Fort Irwin part one

I get to spend the next four hours next to 2 big, hairy dudes who would definitely benefit from economy plus seating. So big. So hairy. To the point where, when I was walking down the aisle to my seat in steerage, I saw them and thought, "please not next to them. Please not next to them." They seem nice enough, in a Kevin Smith (Silent Bob) kind of way. Hopefully they won't mind me going to the potty in flight.

Stupid big people.

Speaking of big, there was a large hubby (belly bloused over his shorts) and wife chowing down on some yummy Wendy's fatty goodness. Their poor daughter was still young and thin. I foresee type 2 diabetes in her future.

In other news, I don't see that there's wifi on this flight, but they have Directv and I'm watching highlights of the Braves-Pirates game on ESPN. We blanked them 6-0, had a homer go out of the park, and there were ducks in the outfield! Funsies.


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Up in the air

As you know, I travel for my job. Actually, I travel a LOT for my job. I also have to coordinate lodging, training space, trainers, flights, car rentals, and synchronize our calendar for the remainder of the fiscal year. It takes a lot of planning and a good head for calendars and spatial reasoning. 

This is why my personal life is tremendously frustrating right now. I'm also supposed to be planning a wedding and a move to Colorado. Along with there being little time to accomplish everything, there is a high degree of ambiguity, because we do not have a wedding date. Why, you ask? Well my fiance is going in to a rather important job in his next unit, so to be fair to him and his unit, we would like to plan the ceremony around that unit's training calendar. But no one will send it to him. All it would take to alleviate that one tiny reason I can't properly plan a wedding is literally a 30-second email, including the time it takes to search for the calendar and attach it to said email. If my fiance is going to be the operations officer for his unit, then why on earth wouldn't they want him to see what's going down? ARGH. So f-ing annoying. 

Until we get that date, I'm left browsing venues and deflecting questions about when we're getting married. Then there is the issue of moving across the country unmarried. It would be financially (and I think, legally) responsible to at least have a civil ceremony so I can be in the government system as a dependent. I get my ID card, I get the Tricare, I can do things on my husband's behalf, we get a higher rate of BAH, etc. Infuriating. Oh, did I mention my job is also up in the air? They are being super reasonable and are working some solutions on how I can stay with the organization in Fort Carson, but we still don't have resolution on that.

But it's not all bad news. I mean, we know when we have to be in Colorado and have our orders (report not later than 15 July), we know what unit we're going to, we know what job the fiance will have, we have a go-getter realtor, and I have a wedding dress.  All good things. 

For now, I'm off to Philadelphia for work (as per usual). Crap. I just realized I forgot my vitamins. Damn it. In the meantime, have a look at my top housing options (so far). 

	4 Beds 3 Baths 3,176 sqft -- lot View on Zillow
	3 Beds 3 Baths 3,116 sqft 5,967 lot View on Zillow
	4 Beds 4 Baths 2,835 sqft 9,408 lot View on Zillow
	4 Beds 4 Baths 2,346 sqft 6,011 lot View on Zillow
	4 Beds 3 Baths 3,072 sqft 6,743 lot View on Zillow
	3 Beds 3 Baths 1,966 sqft 8,799 lot View on Zillow
	3 Beds 3 Baths 3,180 sqft 2,178 lot View on Zillow
	5 Beds 4 Baths 3,500 sqft 3,598 lot View on Zillow
	4 Beds 3.5 Baths 2,256 sqft 1,307 lot View on Zillow

I knew it! I'm surrounded by a**holes...

...or I am a total curmudgeon? I'm not entirely sure. You decide.

I recently took a business trip across the country. My travels took me via planes, trains, and automobiles to Fort Irwin, CA via Las Vegas. For literally a 4-hour meeting and 24 hours total on the ground, I spent 25 hours metroing, flying, and driving to and from my destination. My trip was very successful, and I arrived back home in one piece. However, this trip reconfirmed my suspicion that most people are either selfish, oblivious, or stupid... or a combination of those three. Here are my top 4 examples from observing people over the last 50 hours.

4. When did it become okay to yawn or cough in public, within 5 feet of other people, with your mouth completely open? ZERO attempt to keep germs or halitosis to themselves. I was sandwiched between 2 dudes on my flight- a red eye- from Vegas to Minneapolis - one of whom was a loud talker, then turned on his reading light and did zero reading, and every 90 seconds cleared his throat with his mouth wide open. The other dude was okay until he slept with his mouth open and made some kind of odd sucking noise when he created a vacuum between his tongue and lower lip. 

3. You can afford to fly; you can afford headphones (and use them). As I was sitting in Vegas at 12am waiting on my redeye, I stopped to enjoy a healthy snack (yogurt) rather than give in to the fat girl inside me who was craving the Cinnabon in my terminal. I finally found a clean table, sit down, and hear... airport music over the speaker system? No, they generally don't play "Let Me Clear My Throat"... Was it a specter in my iTunes causing it to play songs from Jock Jams Volume 3? No. It was a lady, a few tables over, watching a YouTube video of The Roots with Justin Timberlake performing a montage of jams. Ordinarily, I wouldn't care, but it was entirely presumptuous of the lady to think everyone wanted to hear it at midnight when most people are either hungover or poor from drinking and gambling... ASSHAT. Oh yeah, and she got an upgrade on her flight. And she left her trash on the table. Ugh.

2. The right lane/right side of the sidewalk/right side of the escalator is for the slow people. Fast people go to the left. I cannot tell you how many times I was on I-15 going about 80mph and some car or pack of cars moving at what I perceived to be the pace of a constipated sloth just hanging out in the left lane. I thought they might have be anticipating passing one of the many semi trucks on the route, but no. They just decided the left lane was they way to go, so I ended up passing them in the right hand lane, which I heard you weren't supposed to do. Good news is I could travel at 80mph and not worry about getting pulled over. Going fast in the rental car was AWESOME and made the 2 hour drive to Barstow enjoyable. As an aside, if you're ever stuck in a similar position and you like rock, tune in to FM 94.9 and 96.9 "The Drive". It picks up where Vegas stations leave off and will keep you entertained until you get to Barstow.


1. Gluttony doesn't get any better than the obese dude who ordered a venti frappucino of some sort at Starbucks. Evidently what fits in a venti cup wasn't enough for him, so he asked, "Can I have all of it?" The question was weird and not really entitled or selfish, but his tone is what set me off. It was condescending and rude, to the point where I wanted to ask him if he really needed "all of it". Jackass.  

As an aside, I would like to point out the lovely disposal container for used needles in the Las Vegas airport bathroom. 

In spite of all the silliness, the trip was actually really good. I even won a whole ten dollars at an airport slot machine! I also got some great landscape pictures that I may or may not have taken while driving. Totally safe. 

Old is a four letter word

Oh hump day, how you vex me. It's the day of the week where good intentions derail, bad weeks get worse, and if you have a huge about of work to do, you realize there's only two more working days to get it done. 

Let's hop in my time machine, all the way back to Monday night. There was HUGE cause for celebration, because [SPOILER ALERT] the producers of The Bachelor enabled Sean to make the best decision ever, in the history of the show. I told you last week about Tierra, who earned the Villain Edit for the season. Ordinarily, this means she would have wreaked havoc until at least the final three. In this season, our villain's shenanigans were so annoying, so obvious, so heinous, so OBNO, that... wait for it... Sean sent her home IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WEEK on the day he flew his sister to St Croix for some advice. (Speaking of, can we get my brother on The Bachelor so I get to make a big-sister-advice-trip to paradise? JS...) 

You'll find the dent in the middle of her non-sparkly forehead.

Ding dong the witch is dead!! Woo Hoo!!! Of course, she couldn't leave without making some God-awful parting remarks. My personal favorite was her insulting an older "lady" vying for The Bachelor's heart: "When I'm 32, I want to be married and have kids and have everything set," the Las Vegas native scoffs. "Why hasn't she found that? She's 32!" 

Tierra, you can suck it and take your non-sparkly ass home. If I ever see you in person, you will get another dent in your forehead.

Of course, then she got me thinking about how old I am... not necessarily with regarding to marriage, but definitely in relation to having children. Then I was reminded of an ad I heard on the radio. You see, at the Genetics and IVF Institute of Virginia, in order to donate your precious eggies, you must be between the ages of 19 and 31. Yeah.... I kind of missed that margin. Which leads me to believe -irrationally, of course- that my eggies are somehow old and stinky and if I have kids they'll all have demon eyes like Joe Biden. 

Seriously, how creepy was that Tuesday night?

Thankfully, there is another IVF clinic in my region, Egg Donor America, where you can be between the ages of 18 and 34 and still donate your eggs. Whew!

But then, silly math gets in the way. I'm 33 now. Assuming I don't want to have a child out of wedlock, I have to at least another 9 months or so - I'm engaged, but we haven't set a date... long story short, it will likely be in the first quarter of FY14. That makes me at least 34 at time of conception.... Ugh. Now i'm worried about the health of my kids and the state of my body (selfish, I know) after 2 little ones. 

I guess it's never too early to research Mommy Makeovers, huh?

Hate-Watching the Bachelor

I guess calling it Hate-Watching isn't quite right, because I actually find elements of The Bachelor amusing. I'll steal my friend's term and call what my girlfriends and I do a "snark attack".

For those unfamiliar with snark and/or Chelsea Handler, here's the definition from urban dictionary:

Snark

noun

Combination of "snide" and "remark". Sarcastic comment(s).
Also snarky (adj.) and snarkily (adv.)

His commentary was rife with snark.
"Your boundless ineptitude is astounding," she snarkily declared.

 

Evidently it could also mean a mysterious, imaginary animal. It was coined by Lewis Carroll in his poem, The Hunting of the Snark.

But I digress. The Bachelor is basically my replacement for Sunday brunch with the ladies.

...and none of us is dressed like, well, however you would describe these "ladies".

Instead of mimosas in Manhattan, girlfriends connect from across the country via Facebook. We gather  together to revel in our bachelor Sean's ridiculous, amazing journey around the world in search of true love. Each Monday (and twice this week because of a special two-part episode!!) we meet on "the most dramatic FB post ever," and we're up to 689 comments. Some choice comments from this week's two-part episode are:

"I do like this nonskank Selma chick."

"'I just don't know how I'm gonna react'. It's not foreshadowing when you just basically TRIED to get hypothermia."

"The crazy inside is more important than the crazy outside."

"...you have just hit on the best mashup ever proposed. The Bachelor games. I would totally watch one of these girls beat Tierra's head with a rock to win this thing."

"Yeah, I'll believe you are legit when you throw a burka over those mams."

"Yeah, I think we all figured out that a "professional organizer" might be code for 'straight up OCD'".

In honor of this season's winner of the producers' "villain edit", I've taken the liberty of creating a visual to go along with Tierra's new nickname, Tierra-ist:

She drops your guard with the oxygen tube, and then.... BOOM!!!

So while it might seem ridiculous and/or odd to my fiance, it's really waaaaaay more feasible than meeting up in Vegas, NYC, or elsewhere to have a 2 hour fiesta with the ladies. One of these days I'll get legit about the Bachelor Drinking Game. In the meantime, I'll just have to enjoy Monday nights sober and laughing silly.

 

Top Five Unawesome Things about Super Bowl Sunday

....that have little to do with the Super Bowl....

This weekend the fiancee and I were the proud witnesses of a 4-goal game for Chris Kunitz in a spectacular ass-whooping of the Washington Capitals. As elated as I was over the win- especially because the Pens lost the last time we saw these two meet at the Verizon Center- there were plenty of things I found completely ridiculous. Here are the top five crappy things bad sports fans did at the game:

5. The Boo Birds - This one I ALMOST understand. It really sucks when your team is shitty, and it's very frustrating to spend oodles of money to watch them play (and lose). Freel though, it was about midway through the second period, the Caps were down by two goals, and the boo birds came out. There were 30 minutes remaining in the game, people!! That's when the Pens started dominating, but I still feel it was premature. Then they went so far as to change up the boooos to "Crosby Sucks." HOW CREATIVE. And how did Ovi do you ask? He ended the game with one assist. Asshats.

4. Kicking Children - It's wonderful you want to share a love of sport with your offspring. I wish I had the opportunity to go to major sporting events when I was a kid (we really didn't have that where I grew up... unless you count minor league baseball). I also know that you can't always control your children and sometimes kids are jerks. However, it is EXTREMELY hard to get your f-ing kid to STOP KICKING MY CHAIR because you're too f-ing fat to intimidate your kid. Really. I turned around when a nice, plump (some would say obese, but I'm not a doctor) family of Caps fans sat down behind the fiancee and me. I offered the kid in question a high five and was snubbed. Then said little boy kicked the ever-loving crap out of my chair for two periods. Thank goodness they left after that. I think if they hadn't been so fat, they would have had the lung capacity to boo along with the other birds. 

3. Football fans - okay, I understand it's über-convenient that Pittsburgh's professional sports teams share the same basic color scheme- black and gold. However, I find it completely unacceptable to wear Steelers gear to a Pens game. Seriously, it's not as though it's 32 below and you're just piling on gear to stay warm. You have the dough to buy rather expensive tickets to attend a Pens game, you tell me you can't spend $10 at Giant Eagle pick up the right paraphernalia for the game you're attending?? Speaking of...

2. Grimy Gear - As stated above, if you have money to go to a game. Maaaaaaybe you could wear something either new or clean to support your team. And my team. You're making me look bad!! 

Not the best picture, but I was being surreptitious. Seriously, I could smell this kid's hat over the usual smells of the metro. NASTY. 

1. Not showing respect for the National Anthem - not many things get me more fired up than people not doing the right thing when we honor the nation. It's really simple: stand up, take off your hat, put your right hand over your heart, and either sing along or shut the hell up. Jeff and I were standing next two a couple of Russians straight off the boat, and guess what? They stood up and were more respectful than at least half that arena. Also, when did it become appropriate for people to show random lyrics because they have something to do with your team? I know the Caps aren't the only offenders, but really... for a minute or two, maybe you could not be an obno fan. Just saying. 

Go enjoy some sport, but please, don't be an ass about it. 

Can you wet the bed....

without really wetting the bed? My poor fiancé has the propensity to sweat a LOT when he sleeps under our duvet. The thing is, there is ZERO consistency to it; for the first time this week, it was actually cool in the bedroom (we'd been keeping the windows open due to "Spring in January," but the weather finally broke, so the über-drafty windows in the bedroom made it nice and chilly) but tonight is when his body revolted.
So, when I'm about to drag my ass to bed, he comes out of the bedroom and suggests I might want to sleep in the guest room because the sheets are wet.
Of course, when I'm tired I might be considered a bit of a cranky-pants, so like an ass I may have been less than nice when we were replacing the sheets.



Only one pillow needed because I am a jerk. Poor fiancé indeed.


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